There are plenty of websites where you can learn sex techniques. But enjoying great sex with one partner for a lifetime has only so much to do with where you put, or how you move, your body parts. Here are the essential keys to a life of ecstasy in the sack.
Attention
The first key is focus. One way of describing this is with the word mindfulness. The mind can either zero in on plans for the future and memories of the past, or it can pay attention to what is happening right now.
To be in the present means bringing your awareness to your senses. Concentrating on your sensory experience in the moment is a big part of what we mean by mindfulness.
How can this kind of attention lead to great sex? Here’s one example for those that enjoy pleasuring women. Do you know which part of the body is your most powerful sense organ of touch? The tongue. Nature didn’t do that just so you could find fish bones. In order to give a woman earth-shaking orgasms, all you need to do is bring your full awareness to the sensations on your tongue as you perform oral sex. This gives you the ability to attune perfectly to the responsiveness of your partner, and “tells” you exactly what she wants you to do. Your partner will instantly respond simply when you bring your full focus to what you are doing with that miracle in your mouth.
If you are nervous, worrying about your portfolio, or playing with your smart device, your partner will feel the distance, and you won’t really be part of the sex, either, so you’ll miss all the fun.
Passion
The second key is passion. There have been many words used for this element of the sexual experience. It has been known as chi in Asia, prana in India, or eros in the west. This is the energetic part of sex. In Asia, it is believed that the universe is filled with infinite energy, and when we are in alignment with our true nature, we have access to this endless source.
If we are in fear or shame, we block our access to this vitality. Lacking courage, we hold ourselves back from fully putting ourselves into our experience.
Think about your favorite singer, and you’ll know what I mean by passion and chi. They bravely hold nothing back, and you can feel it all the way to your gonads. If you can give of yourself to your partner in this way during sex, they’ll feel it all the way down, too, and that is what is going to be the source of your deepest thrill as well.
Adoration
The third key is adoration. This is the ability to see the best in your partner and yourself.
William Blake talked about opening the doors of perception. He said, “If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things through narrow chinks of his cavern.”
It is not that we apprehend things correctly or incorrectly, so much as our vision is narrow. If we cultivate “adoring consciousness,” we can find the beauty inherent in even the most mundane things – to say nothing of that gorgeous example of nature’s artwork you are looking at, smelling, touching, and tasting: your partner’s naked human body.
Anger and resentments block our ability to see how sexy our partners are. By working through these negative emotions, you will be able to experience their sexiness, and your partner will turn you on. And nothing will turn on your partner more than you adoring them.
Love
Sure, you can have fun, hot sex with someone you don’t know. In that case the excitement comes from the newness, wildness, and power of it all. But that kind of turn on can’t last for a very long time. Most people confuse that kind of excitement with the kind of sexual passion that emerges from authentic intimacy, and believe that once a relationship gets past a certain age, it is destined to become boring. But that’s not true.
The key element that can sustain great sex is love. However, when I use the word love, I don’t mean the feeling, per se. What I mean is that love is a choice, an action, a willingness to be whole-heartedly giving to your partner, where your intention is to meet their needs. And in this case, this means your complete intention to give your partner maximum sexual pleasure.
Conclusion
If both partners are fully present, put all of their energy into the experience, come from a place of turned on lust for their partner’s mind, body, and spirit, want nothing more than to give their partner total pleasure from a place of love, and each do that with devotion over and over again, a lifetime of blissful sex is guaranteed.
Well stated! For couples in long-term relationships, sex loses its punch if they don’t continue to love one another, and especially if they don’t both show up and be fully present during sex. Sometimes sexual problems like lack of technique do get in the way, though–that’s why good sex is also an art!
What a lovely article. I am reminded of Masters and Johnson’s finding that a major cause of sexual dysfunction is assumption of a spectator role during sex (i.e., having a lack of mindfulness), which they addressed by prescribing sensate focus (i.e., mindfulness of immediate sensation, without pursuing the goal of orgasm).
Well said, thanks! In the Netherlands we often work together with haptotherapists, which is helpful for people in training sensitivity and awareness. Your article reminds me of the fabulous articles of Peggy Kleinplatz and the late Jeanne Shaw in New Directions in Sex Therapy.
Wow. It is all about attachment, isn’t it? Great article. Your conclusion is worth repeating:
If both partners are fully present, put all of their energy into the experience, come from a place of turned on lust for their partner’s mind, body, and spirit, want nothing more than to give their partner total pleasure from a place of love, and each do that with devotion over and over again, a lifetime of blissful sex is guaranteed. The therapies that work best for clients are not about technique, compromises or rules, but connection. I personally find that Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is a good fit for me as a therapist and my clients. Whatever form of counseling you use, Glenn, in my mind you got it right!!