Most People Want To Have Great Sex
But Have Rotten Sex Lives
Most people love sex. And why not? Sex is the greatest thing we can do for fun that’s free. Best of all, when you have sex with someone you love, it not only feels good physically, but it makes a contribution to true happiness and fulfillment. Almost everyone dreams of having love combined with sex as a big part of their life.
Yet all too many people have rotten sex lives. The dream for many of us is to fall in love, get married, and have passionate sex for a lifetime. For all too many people, though, sex falls off precipitously when the honeymoon is over. Once kids come into the picture many couples’ sex life all but disappears. But even for couples who don’t have kids, including gay couples, all too often, passionate sex has a short shelf life.
Sex falls off precipitously for many people after the age of 50. And even during the earlier years, research indicates that over 50% of married couples are not satisfied with their sex lives. A high percentage of women fake orgasm and their partners don’t even know. By the age of 60, only 25% of women receive oral sex from men, which is the technique most likely to result in female orgasm.
Is there any hope for the sex lives of partnered couples? The good news is that at rates higher than ever, (at least one in three) people over the age of 60 are having vibrant, satisfying sex lives.
Would you like to improve that percentage? Are you a baby boomer who is heading into the final third and would like to make these days filled with sexual sunshine? Are you younger and want to do everything you can to make sure that the flame burns eternal?
Yes it is true.
You can have passionate sex for a lifetime.
What’s the Secret?
So what’s the secret? The secret is love. Just about everyone wants love, but who thinks about giving it? If you can keep your intention, your focus, and your actions on giving love, you can have great sex with one person for a lifetime. The big question is, what does it mean to give love?
Security
Everybody wants someone who is dependable, who shows up, who can be trusted, and does what they say. A dangerous relationship can be very hot for a while, but eventually a relationship with someone who doesn’t make you feel safe gets ugly. And it gets boring for all your friends who have to listen to you complain about a bad relationship you don’t get out of. When our bodies believe that they are in danger, the last thing they want to do is open, surrender, and let go.
Connection
The most important part of giving love is cultivating authentic connection. Authentic connection comes from caring contact and communication. Be open, honest, and considerate in communication. Listen, understand, and empathize. This doesn’t mean that sexy relationships are without conflict. A relationship without conflict has no heat! It is about real engagement with basic respect for your partner. If you have a conflict, let the guiding motivation be to respond, repair, and resolve rather than react and attack.
Self-Care
Take care of your temple, otherwise known as your body. That’s the part of you that has sex after all. Eat well, get off substances, exercise. If you want to want to have sex, if you want all the parts to work, and if you want to turn on your partner – especially as you are visited by the ravages of time – you better take care of yourself.
One part of that temple is your brain. That needs to be worked on also if you want to have good sex. Live a full, interesting life. If you’re boring, your sex will be, too.
Appreciate
If you want to be turned on, you’ve got to turn yourself on. If you want to turn on your partner, you’ve got to be turned on by them. Find your partner’s beauty. Savor them. Let yourself feel how incredible it is that you get to look at, smell, touch, and taste a naked human body. Celebrate what you love about your partner. Instead of focusing on your negative judgments, think about what is great about your spouse. Tell your lover what you adore about them.
Attune
Have sex be first about what you give, second about what you share, and third about what you get. Attune yourself to your partner’s pleasure. By focusing on their responsiveness, you can bring them to the ultimate heights of pleasure. If you do that, your partner will want to have sex with you till you die.
Sense
Learn about your own body’s responsiveness. Pay attention to what feels good to you. As Sister Wendy said, why would god give you a toy and not want you to play with it? If you can figure out what feels good, you can find it with your partner. All too many people spend too much sex time worrying how they look, worrying what the other person is thinking, evaluating what is going on. Get out of your head and into your senses.
Be Passionate
Passion is the ability to put all of yourself into what you are doing with utter abandon. It is being able to jump off the cliff with no parachute and fully enjoy the ride down. Breathe, smile, look into your partners eyes. Express yourself completely. Let yourself show all of your heart.
Practice
Have sex. Have as much sex as you can get. You and your partner will be dead soon, and unless you believe in reincarnation or some kinky heaven, this is going to be your one chance in all of eternity to get it on. There’s always an excuse not to have sex. If you need an excuse to have it, how about this one: you’re going to be old and then dead very soon. Research shows that the more we practice something, the better we get. Try new stuff and keep doing it till you get it right. Be willing to learn from your partner. Ask your partner for directions and feedback, and don’t get all sensitive if they ask for something different.
Create
Sex is always the same, always different. Be in the moment. Be creative. Follow your impulse. Do it hard, soft, up, down, in, out. Follow your partner’s rhythm. Expand your concept of sex. If you want to keep it interesting for a lifetime, you better be willing to try new spices.
Why do people who love each other stop having sex?
Why does sex often wane after the honeymoon? In the beginning of a relationship nature conspires to bring two people together. There is an amazing charge and excitement hooking up with someone new. Though there is usually also fear and anxiety, the turn on of a new body and being around someone who seems to really like you is stronger than the fear. Though you generally feel that you could easily be hurt, there really isn’t all that much at stake in the very beginning. But soon, if you spend enough good time together and you’re having hot sex, something happens. You attach. You begin to bond with the person. Now you are really in trouble. Now if something happens to break you apart you will feel really bad. This is a mortal threat. There’s nothing like a mortal threat to get rid of a hard-on.
How to Have Great Sex for a Lifetime
So love can be scary. Your partner has laid the carpet of their dreams beneath your feet. Tread carefully, because you tread on their dreams.
Be good to each other every day.
And give each other pleasure. Life is hard enough.
Dr. Glenn Berger is a psychotherapist, relationship counselor, business and artist’s coach, and young person’s mentor. He sees patients in New York City, in Mt. Kisco, NY, and around the world by Skype.
